Things I never thought I’d say until I had kids…

A few months ago in my mommies group on Facebook, someone made a great post. She asked us all to share a phrase that we’d never thought we would say until we had kids. 113 comments later, a blog post was born. You’re welcome.

“Please put your penis away and eat your dinner.”

“I just washed your hands. If you touch your vagina again, we will have to wash again.”

“Don’t stick the cat’s tail in your nose.”

 “Don’t lick your friends.”

“No….please put my flip flop down. No, no…don’t lick it. STOP LICKING MY SHOES..”!!!
 “Please stop barking at the cat…”
“Go play with your balls…..”

“Go play with your blue balls”

In the bathtub…”please wash your sac.” Son says…”Mom, where’s my sac?” 
Is that poop?” *smells it* “yep! That’s poop!”
“I’m sorry I stole your booger, but you NEED to stop eating them!”
“My underwear are not necklaces”
“Please stop sticking your fingers in [the dog’s] butthole!”
“Time to change your butt.

“Your sister’s face is not a racetrack.”

Kid: (whining/crying) Pee pee. Amorming!
Me: pee pee amorning?
Kid: yeah
Me: you want to say good morning to your pee pee?
Kid: yeah!
Me: you want me to change your diaper so you could say good morning?
Kid: yeah!
::changing diaper::Kid waves…”Aaaamorning Pee Pee”!!!

 “No, Mommy doesn’t have a penis.”

I do not want to hear the words: penis, vagina, poop or fart for the rest of the car ride.”

Me: Stop licking your brothers face.
Child: well I’m thirsty
Me: being thirsty does not make it acceptable to lick your brothers face.

“Give me kisses…no…not with your tongue….put your tongue away and give me a nice kiss.”

For the love of all is holy, PLEASE put on some underwear! I’m tired of looking at your penises and buttholes while you dance.”

Don’t put sisters toothbrush on your penis!

“No honey, that’s Mommy’s bra, not a hat”

“Please don’t put your hair clippies inside the Virgin Mary, it’s not nice”.

 “No! Do NOT lick the kitty (or doggy) back.”

He pooped on me again.”

“Let me sniff your butt”

Please don’t lick the trash can.”

Please don’t put your hands on the toilet”

Get the trash can off your head.”

Don’t eat the raisin box.”

“Get the thermometer out of your nose please.” 

Get your underwear out of your butt.”
“Your toothbrush doesn’t belong on your penis”

Get your fingers out of your butt”

Please don’t put sour cream in your hair.”

“Stop playing with yourself so I can wipe your stinky butt!”

“Mr Quackers (washcloth) doesn’t touch your penis!”

Get your toothbrush out of your butt.”

“Why yes, your piece of poop in the potty DOES look like a boat.”

“Don’t move. I have to get the rice off your vagina first.” 

Thanks for the reminder to push my penis down in the potty.”

Uh oh, the batteries are dead.” Said about everything that turns on that I don’t want him to play with anymore.

“Please don’t eat your shoe.”

Please give me your booger.

Stop trying to rip your vagina off”
It’s ok to play with your penis, just please do it in your room.

“Please STOP licking me”

“Please don’t hump your brother.”

“Take your macaroni and cheese spoon off your penis.”
“Do not use the tongs on your penis.”
Oh you want poopoo for dinner? OK.”
Buddy, if you have to pee when you are in the bath just tell me and we can go pee. Please don’t stand up and pee right next to where your baby sister is sitting. Why? Because we don’t pee on our family members if we can help it.”

“Get your fork out of your hair; it’s not a dinglehopper.”

“That is not a tail. It’s his penis. Please don’t flick your brother’s penis.”

“Do not ever color the toilet again!”

“Don’t use me as a tissue!”
Yes honey, your penis is huge.”

“Take the crayon out of your vagina”

“Please don’t color on the table with your gravy.”

It’s not good manners to hide under my dress.”

Why do you have cheese in your crotch?” 

Please tell me that’s chocolate on your hands” 

“Please do not stick your narwhal up your nose.”

“Don’t put your fingers in your butt.” 

“No dancing naked in the window.”

Stop sticking your bug (penis) in Captain Eddie. (The little you from his bathtub boat)”

Thank you for giving me your booger.” 

“I think that’s my hair coming out of your butt.” 

Please don’t put rice on your penis….”

Don’t cry honey, one day your penis will be as big as daddy’s”

“Get that toy away from your crotch”
“Please give your brother his balls back” 
“Daddy has penis hairs!
Add some more in the comments! Happy Friday!

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